Category: My Thoughts

No. Cancer is not a sweet name. I mean Jesus is the sweetest name I know.

Five days a week I go for radiation treatment. I lay still on my back and slide into a huge round TomoTherapy machine, which looks like a cat scan machine or a giant donut. The techs position me exactly right, according to the small black tattoos they gave me on my hip bones. I am in vogue now. Then they scan to make sure I am correctly placed on the board, check again and then the board slides me in a second time for the treatment. For about five minutes, I hear a sound like a far away pounding electric drill or buzz saw circling me.

The machine is fairly new, and has been calculated to give me radiation darts in exact places, covering the 3/4 inch tumor and four lymph nodes in the groin/pelvic area. This new precision method will hopefully avoid damaging other vital parts in the area like bones, bladder, etc. I am blessed to be able to live in the US and have access to the machine. Although, again, remind me of that blessedness in a few weeks when this total sunburn takes effect. 🙂

The reason I am describing this treatment as well as I can is because of the sweetest name I know. As I lay unmoving on my back for about 20 minutes I sing songs in my head. Old hymn songs. Songs with Jesus’ name in it.

I sing Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Sweetest name I know. Fills my every longing, keeps me singing as I go.

Jesus, Oh Jesus. Do you know Him today? You can’t turn Him away. Oh, Jesus, Oh Jesus. Without Him how lost I would be.

I even sing Jesus Loves Me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Our childhood favorite. Then after a dozen times of TomoTherapy, I looked up songs in my hymn book, songs I could sing to myself because I have about four more weeks of this. I found many.

Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe. Jesus Christ is risen today. And Jesus is all the world to me, my life, my joy, my all.

Jesus, lover of my soul. Jesus, I will never let you go.

What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear. What a privilege to carry, everything to God in prayer.

Tell it to Jesus. Tell it to Jesus. He is a friend that’s well known. You have no other, such a friend or brother. Tell it to Jesus alone.

Now isn’t that a sweet way to spend my time lying flat on my back? Remembering the sweetest name I know from the one who brings peace. Always has. Always will.

You are loved,

kathryn

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One of our missions’ pastors, who has dealt with cancer, encouraged me after we first found out I had cancer. He said to remember two things. 1) People may send you many different remedies, and 2) people may think you have a death sentence. 

A few days later, during my Bible study I read John Chapter 11, about Lazarus. Lazarus was a man who was seriously sick and his loved ones called for Jesus to help. Jesus delayed and Lazarus died. They buried him before Jesus showed up. Two verses tell the truth of the situation. What Lazarus and his family and friends saw was not what Jesus saw.

Jesus said in John 11:4 This sickness shall not end in death. More importantly, John 11:44b. Jesus sees the real situation. He tells Lazarus. “Get out of the grave clothes” or “Come out of that place and take those stinky clothes off.” In other words, Jesus said to not think of yourself as dead, that your life is over. Don’t mourn or feel sorry for yourself. You are not dead yet so don’t act like it!

Now that is my motto. “Get out of the grave clothes.” My trials may be difficult but there is still a lot of things to do. You might want to remind me of that if things gets bad. 🙂

I’m doing much better than expected. Had only two bad days of nausea/vomiting in the past 10 days but overall I seem to be handling the chemo/radiation pretty well. My taste buds changed overnight, or disappeared, so I lost a few pounds. Already gained one back. I have slept better though! I know some of you prayed for that. And I have not had the expected bad mouth sores which is also an answer to prayer.

I have a slight cough, which doc says is a slight bronchitis, and she told me to take over the counter mucinex. So please pray that this cough will subside and disappear.

In the meantime, the family and friend support has been uplifting. Besides the practical help of taking me to treatments every day, cooking and cleaning, many visitors have dropped by, called, written, or sent packages to keep my spirits up. You are amazing group of people.

Please continue to pray, because your prayers keep me going. In the meantime I will stay out of the grave clothes.

  You are loved,

  kathryn

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When I told my 13-year-old granddaughter I had cancer, she whispered, “Are you afraid?” I said yes. Had to be honest. But yes, I am not looking forward to possible fatigue, nausea, weight loss, mouth sores, burns from radiation. Who wants to suffer? But I am not afraid of dying.

 I am afraid of leaving my loved ones. Who will show them God? Who will love them through life?  Who will teach them the Bible? Who will take care of Mr. Bill?  The babies?  The international students?  Who will be steady in their lives? Okay, so I’m over-exaggerating my importance and our pastor told us not to inflate the truth. It’s the same as lying. But I am afraid for them, so I must trust them into God’s care. He loves them more than I do. However, I am not afraid of dying.

I am afraid of not honoring God in all I do and say. I so want to show that God is with me, helping me and keeping me strong. I want to lift up the banner and show the world that He is with me through all the coming these weeks of treatments. And He is. But what if I fail to exemplify that? What if I fall and cry and lose faith? Does that mean there is no God? No. God does not depend on my weak self to be real. He is and always will be real. And He will be honored whether or not I stand.

I am afraid for my weak body, because here on earth, we live in a broken world. Our bodies can succumb to illness and disease, like cancer. All we can do is the best we can do. And if life overtakes this body, and I do go to meet the Savior, I know He will help me through. His love has buoyed me through life thus far, through the many rough times, so why do I doubt He will help me now? He will. He is here with me. And if death overtakes me? Ah. On the other side, Jesus is waiting. The One who loves me very much.

 So, yes I am afraid, but no, I am not afraid. And that brings a certain amount of peace.

 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear. ( I John 4:18.) We can only know perfect love, however, through Jesus – and holding on to Him.

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Since we heard the news, not a single day has gone by without some message, card, visit, food, and so many prayers. I’m overwhelmed at the amount of support we’ve received. You can’t imagine how much this encourages me. I now look forward to the contacts each day and they lift my spirits immensely, for I know God has put it in your heart to respond. He is so good. Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever. Psalm 106:1

 Completed: Day 1. All went well the first day of chemo/radiation even though it took all day. So glad Bill took off work to go with me. We are learning much that we never knew. I had nausea and steroid medicine IV, mitomycin IV, a pretty (?) purple chemical which took about 20 minutes to go in me, then I was sent off with a fanny pack type attached pump with 5FU which will drip until Friday. Standard treatment for anal cancer. What’s a better word for this?

 Then we went to radiation where I lay on my back and went into a tunnel like a cat scan. A radiation delivery system machine called a TomoTherapy has less side effects, and was programmed specifically for me and targets the cancer spots and surrounding lymph nodes exactly.

 So much for the details. Still taking supplements. I felt fine through the day, even hungry and thirsty all day. But I’m writing this at 4:00 am so I need prayers to sleep better. 🙂

Thanksgiving was wonderful, saw all the family, big and small. And Bill and kids put up the Christmas tree on Friday, so we do have Christmas spirit around here. Also, we have tried to begin each day listening to Christian music.

Thirty days of radiation left, five days a week. And four days of the first round of chemo. Will have another round again in four weeks. Yes, the second round starts on Christmas Eve so I may beg to delay it. Side effects, if there are any, will probably begin by this weekend.

I know God must be listening to your prayers for He has given me a great amount of peace. Thank you so much.

You are loved,

kathryn

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